Funny Quotes in English

Quotes, at times can be so much fun. Here are some quotes collected from various sources including Facebook, Twitter and Orkut. This collection of funny quotes in English is dedicated to laughter, the panacea for all diseases…

None of us is virgin, life has screwed us all. – Anonymous

The only advantage you have over me is.. you can kiss my ass, and I can’t. – Anonymous

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

Seen on a T–shirt: I am a virgin (This is my old T–shirt)

When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red–hot cinder, a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man there are two.. – Anonymous

Education: the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent. – John Maynard Keynes

Reasonable men adapt to the world. Unreasonable men adapt the world to themselves. That’s why all progress depends on unreasonable men. – George Bernard Shaw

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; other whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes. – Oscar Wilde

A paragraph should be like a lady’s skirt: long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep it interesting. – Anonymous

Anyone who thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, is aiming ten inches too high. – Anonymous

A woman is like a cup of tea; you’ll never know how strong she is until she boils. – Anonymous

Love is blind… but marriage is the real eye–opener. – Anonymous

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. – Frieda Norris

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. – Ralph Bus

Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. – M. Berle

Everyday I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. – Robert Orben

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin–deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas? – Jean Kerr

Look how often the unexpected happens – yet we still never expect it. – Ashleigh Brilliant

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were. – George E. Bergman

The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. – Arthur Bloc

The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them. – Karl Kraus

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Anonymous

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Anonymous

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Anonymous

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. – Anonymous

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Anonymous

In God we trust; all others must pay cash. – Anonymous

He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. – Paddy O’Dea

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

All generalizations are false, including this one. – Anonymous

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? – Anonymous